Fix Me Read online

  “Mel?” I answered. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes. Well, no, but you know that. Where are you?”

  “Why?” I asked sitting up on alert.

  “Because I’m knocking on your door and you aren’t answering. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you aren’t inside ignoring me.”

  I sighed. “No, I’m not there.”

  “Where are you? We need to talk, and I’m not interested in doing it over the phone.”

  I winced. She sounded pissed. I had a feeling Paul had informed her of me putting in my notice. She was going to tell me what a dick I was for leaving Bree when she needed me most. I deserved the lecture. “I’m at the beach,” I confessed.

  “Where?”

  I told her where to find me and slid the phone back into my pocket. I figured I better enjoy the next thirty minutes because after Mel was done with me, my peaceful day would be over. I settled in and waited.

  “Luke?” I heard Mel’s voice and realized she couldn’t see me.

  I sat up and waved. “Over here.”

  She came towards me, wearing a pair of jean shorts that showed off her long legs. She flopped down on the blanket and looked towards the water. “It’s nice out here.”

  “It is.”

  I waited for her to get to what she had to say. She didn’t make me wait long. “What’s going on? Why aren’t you with Bree?”

  “I’m off today.”

  “Bullshit. I know it’s more than that.”

  “Paul felt it would be better if I stayed away for the weekend.”

  “Because,” she said, dragging out the word.

  “Because I told him I thought it might be a good idea for me to start looking for a different job,” I said.

  She nodded. I had a feeling she already knew that but wanted to hear me say it. “Why would you quit now? You saw her, she’s in bad shape. She doesn’t only need you as her caregiver, she needs you as a friend. As a boyfriend. I know you guys are on this break thing, but this is not the time to split hairs about what you are calling your relationship.”

  “Mel, I’m not good for her.”

  “You are good for her. She was so happy there for a week or two. It was like having my old friend back, even if she kind of ghosted me while the two of you snuggled up.”

  I had to laugh at that, since I had completely dominated Bree’s time. It was our honeymoon phase. Then reality set in and I came to my senses. “I love her,” I said.

  “I know that, Luke, which is why I am so confused about why you are running away from her.”

  “Because I can’t be with someone in her condition.”

  “Blind? Because if you say yes, I’m going to kick your ass.”

  “Not because she is blind. I don’t mind that in the least. Bree is, um, well, fragile. I’m not good with that. I can’t be an emotional support person. I want to be her boyfriend, or I want to be her caregiver in a medical capacity, but I don’t want to be the guy that feeds her other sickness.”

  “What sickness would that be?” she asked, clearly growing more pissed by the second.

  “She’s got some issues, Mel, you said it yourself,” I reminded her.

  “She’s not exactly a basket case,” she shot back. “What spooked you? I watched you take care of her so lovingly. I watched both of you light up when you were around each other. You guys are good together.”

  I owed her an explanation. I owed Bree an explanation as well, but I didn’t get the feeling she was in the right frame of mind to understand it. I had a feeling she would see it as an insult or somehow take on yet another burden.

  “I came to California to get away from a situation that was very similar to what I find myself in today.”

  “What does that mean? You fell in love with another blind woman?”

  I hated talking about my personal life. “It was my mom. I was trying to get away from my mom.”

  She was quiet for a few seconds. “Is it odd that Bree took a turn for the worse after your mother’s visit?”

  “My mom wasn’t mean to Bree. She wasn’t great, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. Bree is taking it way harder than she should.”

  “Bree isn’t usually so insecure. Why did you flee from your mom?”

  “My mother is sick. All the time. She is sick but not physically ill. She wants to be sick. She wants to be sick because it keeps me at her beck and call. She manipulates me and guilts me into feeding what I can only describe as her mental illness. She makes herself sick. I’m not entirely sure how she does it, but she has gotten very creative. My entire life has revolved around her needs. I’ve never had a serious girlfriend or any real friends because my time and energy was devoted to her. She demanded it. My father walked out when I was young because he couldn’t handle the drama. My sister left the minute she turned eighteen.”

  “You think Bree is your mom,” she said.

  “No, I don’t think that,” I quickly answered. “I think Bree has a lot of issues that she needs help with, and it’s a type of help that I can’t give her. I don’t want to ever resent Bree. I don’t want to look at her with the same kind of resignation I look at my mother with. Listen, I know it isn’t Bree’s fault. I know she has some very real medical issues, but I don’t think I can be the guy that watches her go through it.”

  Mel was quiet for several seconds. “Luke, if you would have known Bree before the accident, you wouldn’t feel like this. She is a strong, lively woman. That’s why this is so difficult for her. She was the kind of girl that was always on the move. She was vibrant and kind and just so damn good. I love her like a sister.”

  “It isn’t that I don’t care about her,” I explained. “I do. Dammit, I do, but I just don’t have it in me to be the support she needs.”

  “That is such a load of crap. Is this seriously because she didn’t sleep for a few days?”

  I shook my head. “It isn’t just that. I see all those things you described about her. I see it and I just hate that she is shutting down right before my eyes. I want to shake her and tell her to choose to be happy. The surgery is right there. She has a way out and I don’t know how to make her take it.”

  “Because you know it might not work. She is so afraid of being let down. She barely got through the first time she was told she was blind. It crushed her soul. Her father and I were on round the clock watch with her, worried she would hurt herself. Then she was told there was a chance for a surgery, and she was thrilled. She kept saying that she knew there was no way she would be blind. Then they told her never mind—no surgery. It was like she had been dropped from the sky with no parachute.”

  I nodded. “She told me that, but this is different.”

  “But it might not be,” she quietly said. “There is a chance it won’t work. That’s what has her freaking out. She wants the surgery. It was your doctor friend that put it off.”

  “Because Bree is in no shape to go through a surgery and recovery that is going to require her to be in a good headspace.”

  “Then help her get there,” she said firmly. “Don’t you dare run away from this. Not now. You get her through the surgery and then you can run away if you want. But right now, she needs you. She needs all of us, but she needs you the most.”

  I blew out a breath. “I don’t know how to be there for her.”

  “Look, the shit that happened with your mom, that’s an entirely different matter. Bree is not your mother. Separate the two. Don’t put your issues with your mother on her. She doesn’t need any more garbage dumped on her.”

  “I’m not dumping my garbage on her.”

  “Yes, you are. You are punishing Bree for your mother’s behavior. That isn’t cool.”

  “I’m not punishing her.”

  “You are. I mean seriously, Bree isn’t sleeping. Big fucking deal. You are making this into some big thing. Take a step back and try and look at it from a different angle. Take the rest of the day to pull your head out of your as
s and then get your ass back over there tomorrow.”

  I frowned at her. “You’re acting like some sort of rabid dog.”

  She grinned. “Sorry to burst your illusions, but this is me being nice. You keep messing with my friend and I will turn full-on foaming at the mouth and bite you.”

  I chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “All right, Luke, I’m going. I’ll leave you alone. Take a walk. Have a drink. Do whatever you need to, but you damn well better be there tomorrow.”

  I nodded. “I’ll do what I can.”

  After she left, I considered what she said. I would love to be able to drink it all away, but it wasn’t going to work. I had to get through this thing stone, cold sober.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Bree

  IT WAS GETTING VERY old. I felt like I had gotten a little more sleep, but it wasn’t nearly enough. I needed real sleep. I thought about calling a makeup artist to come over and give me a little makeover. I wanted to look like I was well rested. Then, I would call Ellis and ask her to meet me for lunch. She would seem me looking beautiful and declare I was fit for surgery.

  I had listened to her lecture about wanting the surgery for the right reasons. She had given me the right answers and I would use them when she talked to me. She said I had to want the surgery for me and that I needed a good support system.

  I did want the surgery for me, but I also wanted it because I wanted to be good enough for Luke. I wanted to show Luke I was worthy of being his girlfriend. I wanted him to see how fun I could be. I wanted him to see the other parts of me that had been quieted with the loss of my sight.

  Knowing there was no chance I was going to be able to sleep right now, I got out of bed and went to the shower. I washed my hair, taking far longer than usual in the shower. I wanted to put on makeup. I wanted to feel pretty and normal again.

  I was hoping my dad would be at work. I didn’t want to see him. I laughed as I realized what I had just thought. I wasn’t going to see anything, let alone him. “Dad?” I said, nice and loud.

  There wasn’t an answer and I breathed a sigh of relief. I started my coffee and put a couple pieces of bread in the toaster. I realized then that I had started creating my new normal. I had fought against it for weeks. I didn’t want blind to be my new normal. Then again, I did like having a routine. It made me feel like I had a life.

  I sipped the coffee and let the caffeine infuse my blood. For the first time since I had woken up from the accident, I had hope for a normal life. It wasn’t the life I wanted but there was no point in dwelling on it.

  Just then I heard the back door open and I froze. I wanted it to be Luke, yet I didn’t want it to be Luke somehow. He didn’t want to be around blind, sad, insomniac me. Then again, if it wasn’t Luke, I was about to be robbed or worse.

  “Luke?”

  “Hi,” he answered.

  I stood there, holding my cup and not knowing what to say. “I thought you quit.”

  “No, I didn’t quit.”

  “My dad said you were taking a break, which meant you were looking for a job.”

  “I took a couple days,” he answered.

  “I’ll be fine. You are not obligated to be here. I’ll be fine. I don’t need you.”

  I heard his footsteps coming closer. “Don’t do that.”

  “Don’t do what? Be honest?”

  “I just needed a day or two. I’m here now.”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing him all over again. If I didn’t get my sight back, he was going to end up walking out on me eventually. I thought it best to get it over with.

  “Go,” I said, suddenly overcome with emotion.

  His arms went around me, holding me close. I held out my coffee cup to keep from spilling it on him as my tears spilled down my face. I hated that I was crying and I didn’t want to appear weak. I didn’t want him to see me as a poor little girl that needed to be pitied.

  He held me while I cried it out. “You don’t need to be here,” I said, after I pulled myself together.

  “I want to be here.”

  “I don’t think you do.”

  “I owe you an explanation. Can we talk?”

  “My schedule is clear,” I said with a laugh.

  “Solarium?”

  “Sure.”

  We walked into the room, taking our seats and getting comfortable. I was a little nervous about what he was going to say. On the other hand, I was looking forward to actually learning more about him. He had been a closed book about who he was before he landed in California.

  “My mom is what some people call a hypochondriac. But unlike a hypochondriac, she actually makes herself sick. She has had more medical problems than any normal human.”

  “She seemed healthy when she was here,” I said.

  “She is healthy,” he said. “Until she doesn’t want to be. She’s healthy until she decides she isn’t getting enough attention from me. My mother has held me as her emotional hostage for most of my life. I gave up so much because she made me feel like I had to. She used me. I don’t think she ever loved me. She just wanted me to fawn over her and shower her with attention. She wanted to be in control and when she was sick, she had all the control. I would skip classes, call in sick to work, cancel dates, anything she asked whenever she was sick.”

  I had a little more understanding about why he was freaked out by my latest episode. I wasn’t sure if it was enough. “Do you think I’m purposely making myself sick?”

  “No, definitely not,” he said, but the way he said it made me think he did believe that.

  “Luke, I know when you’re lying. You’re lying.”

  He sighed. “I’m not lying.”

  “You’re not being honest.”

  “I just, I don’t know, it’s just, I think this insomnia thing, you’re bringing it on yourself.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Are you serious?”

  “I know that sounds like an asshole thing to say, but you’ve got a good life here Bree. Your dad loves you. You have a great best friend. You have a lot going for you. You are stressing yourself out for nothing. It doesn’t need to be that way. You have to let go of that stuff my mom said.”

  “And what about you?” I asked. “Do I have you?”

  “Yes. I’m here, but I need you to fight.”

  “What do you mean fight?”

  “I mean I think you should talk to a professional about all this stuff you are internalizing. I don’t know how to help you. I can take care of injuries and make you breakfast and make sure you don’t hurt yourself, but I don’t know how to help you feel better.”

  “You want me to snap out of it?”

  “That’s not what I mean.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me what’s on your mind. Talk to me as a friend.”

  “Okay. I’m worried about the surgery. I’m worried I won’t be good enough for you. I’m worried I’m going to wake up from the surgery and still be blind and you’re going to leave me.”

  I heard him move. His hands took mine and I felt him kneeling in front of me. “Bree, I don’t want to leave you. I want to be with you. I don’t care if you get your sight back or not. I only care about you being healthy and happy. I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you miserable. I hate that I can’t make you better.”

  I could feel the tears flowing once again. “I will try. I just get in my head and I can’t find my way out of it. You are right, I have been wallowing. It isn’t something I like to do. I don’t want to do it.”

  “I know things are going to be difficult and I know you are going to have some bad days. I have bad days. We all do. When you are feeling like you are drowning, reach out. Reach out before you go under.”

  I nodded. The weight I had felt was miraculously lifted from me. “Okay. I can do that.”

  “Good. Now, as your nurse and your friend, I have to tell you, it is time to sl
eep.”

  “I slept a little last night,” I argued.

  His hand touched my face. “Good. Why don’t we go lay down? If you can’t sleep, that’s fine. We’ll just lay together and rest.”

  “You’ll stay with me?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Does my dad know you are here?”

  “Yes. I told him I was going to stay on.”

  “Was he happy about it?” I asked. I had gotten the impression my dad was happy Luke was leaving. I knew he was only appeasing me when he said he was okay with me and Luke being together. He would never truly approve of me dating a nurse. He wanted me with a mover and shaker that was going to be some corporate hotshot one day. Luke did not have that future.

  “He was. Well, maybe happy isn’t the right word, but he did tell me he wanted me to stay, at least through the recovery period.”

  I smiled. “Alright then, it’s settled.”

  “Can we go lay down now?”

  “Are you suggesting laying down or are you going to put the moves on me?”

  He laughed. “I will keep my hands to myself.”

  He got to his feet and pulled me up. Together we walked back to my bedroom. We got under the covers, with him spooning me. For the first time in a week, my mind was quiet. His arm wrapped around me, holding me close to him.

  “I’m tired,” I whispered feeling my body relax.

  “I bet you are sweetheart,” he murmured next to my ear. “Let your body relax. Let’s start with the relaxation technique we’ve been working on.”

  I smiled, my eyes refusing to open. I did as he instructed, starting with my toes and slowly moving up my body. “I’m asleep,” I mumbled, my lips too tired to move.

  “Shh, I’ve got you. I’m here. I won’t move.”

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Six days without restful sleep had caught up with me. I was sinking fast and I didn’t try to fight it. I fell asleep with him holding me tight. As I drifted into the sleep world, my thoughts were positive. I thought about my future, but it was without the dread and fear I had been feeling for so long.